Women around the world pay hundreds of dollars for the stuff in spa's and salons when all they really need to do is go bogging . Mud . It's free , it's healthy , its full of natural products and it's everywhere . Well almost everywhere . The Mojave desert is currently experiencing a mud shortage. I know , I know , it shocked me too when I found out . Personally I think that some environmental activists scoured southern California , Nevada and Arizona for the stuff , and are storing it at an undisclosed location . There it will be safely kept until such time as humanity has joined Elvis in his UFO , so that it may once again roam the desert freely and without fear of being violated by hellspawn such as ourselves and our ORV's . But I digress...

OK , Back to reality (As if we ever really left ). Mud requires a whole different beast to enjoy than the sandy , rocky terrain of the desert . The Mud Beast (boggerus deepicus) often starts its life as a 3/4 or 1 ton truck with really low geared , Dana 60's or 70's and locking differentials . As it grows to maturity , it develops "Im getting a nose bleed" lift kits and 40 inch plus tires . Finally we wedge the largest torque monster that we can afford (and after the cost of everything else , money is usually in short supply ) between the frame rails and declare the beast fully grown . For those who can afford them , a big winch is a REALLY good idea as well . The Mud Beast is a hungry animal , with a healthy appetite for axles , driveshafts and U-joints . However , its favorite foods seem to be 20 , 50 , 100 dollar bills and the occasional Adirondack Park Agency representative (though they tend to make it nauseous) .

There you have it . Faster than a speeding bicycle , more traction than a D8 Caterpillar and able to actually NEED that piece of heavy equipment to get it out , when it does manage to get stuck . They're Big , they're Bad and with a long enough tow strap , they could make Hawaii the 49'th contiguious state . But they are out of thier natural element in the desert .

The Desert Beast (travellus maximus) comes in many forms , be it a VW , truck or buggy . Smaller feet and longer legs are characteristics of this species. Here 35 inches seems to be the upper limit for tire size , and usable suspension travel is valued much more than lift alone . 500+ ft/lbs of torque is not a necessity , but a luxury . This animal has an extremely sensitive underbelly and must be protected from rocks at all times , lest it spill it's vital bodily fluids upon the earth and cause an environmentalist to have a minor stroke . If we bash them with rocks , do they not bleed ? No no no , I mean the Desert Beast , Sheesh ! Strangest of all is that 4WD is not noted in all Beasts . In fact , a great number of them have spat in the face of Darwin and evolved as 2WD variants ! The Desert Beast , while hungry in its own right , seems to require less food than its counterpart the Mud Beast . Scientists believe this is due to food sources being scarce in the desert , but the theory has yet to be proven . A second theory holds that The Desert Beast can subsist wholly on a diet of environmental activists (though they tend to offend it's palate ) , however no federal money is available to study this phenomena further .

It seemed I had a lot to learn . My first teacher was a 62 VW Baja with a 1200cc engine . Apart from a few mods and larger tires , it was fairly stock (as Bajas go). The first lesson I got was "How to have large amounts of fun without mortgaging your children " . My first trip was a short one , but it showed me how beautiful and challenging the desert could be . Since then I have learned about how to run a sand wash and when to avoid them like the plague . I've learned about hill climbing and how to back down them when things didn't quite go as planned . I've learned about knowing what's on the other side of that hill before finding out the hard way that it's a 150 foot vertical drop and VW,s fly like rocks . I've learned a good many things about its dangers and beauties , and I learn something new each and every time out .

If you are new to the desert , one lesson needs to be learned before all others . WATER IS LIFE! Don't leave home with out a generous supply of it . Ever . A short trip in a vehicle takes a lot longer to walk back from . In the extreme temperatures of the desert , it takes very little time to become dehydrated . You can quickly find yourself in an emergency situation . DON'T CHANCE IT !

These days , Im the owner of a 69 Baja that will be the subject of several "How to's" and projects here at Off~Road.com and will slowly mutate into a much more capable breed of Desert Beast . While It may or may not rival Mike James and Mike Kaliki's "Outlaw" at some point ( hey , this is MY dream , get your own ! ), Im sure it will bring me many years of fun and education . To date , I have invested less than the cost of a set of wheels and tires for my old Mud Beast , and have enjoyed the Desert Beast to no end . Im sure my buddies back in NY must think the sun got to me , but you'll vouch for me ........ right ?