I have purposely left out all the ATV-type magazines, because, quite frankly, I could care less about them. While these four-wheeled vehicles can do amazing things, like drag a hay bale from one point on a farm to another with aplomb, they are not much more fun to ride off road than a Subaru 4x4, the vehicle of choice for Earth Firsters transporting bombs.

Also not covered are numerous regional newsletter-type publications, that do a great job of telling you when and where the next event is, and who got 9th place in the 250 "C" Class.

So, without further ado, let's have some fanfare (ta-da!!!) and dig right in.

CYCLE NEWS does an excellent job of giving you a blow-by-blow account of who won what heat, who passed who, and the photography is above average. The best part of any race report is the "BRIEFLY" section, which gives you all sorts of inside bits and pieces. It's clear that the reporter is sticking his tape recorder in as many faces as possible, and asking pertinent questions. One suggestion: Expand "BRIEFLY" and cut back on the heat coverage.

What remains a mystery about CYCLE NEWS, is their massive coverage of road racing. They'll devote four or five pages to a "big time" road race, and the photos will show about 56 people in the stands, most of them relatives of the racers. Let's face it, road racing does not draw crowds.

The Editor, Paul Carruthers, is an ex-road racer, which explains that lapse in judgment. CYCLE NEWS also has extra-heavy coverage on dirt track racing, which as we all know, is watched by people who ride Gold Wings and 3,000 pound Harleys. Because the dirt track racers turn left most of the time, every report tends to look like the previous one.

Kit Palmer is probably the best journalist on the staff and seems to understand what's going on, and what needs to be covered. The only place Palmer falls short is in a CN test. Here, you can count on a very bland report, that often comes off more like an ad brochure than a hard-hitting evaluation. To be fair, CN usually only has the bike for a week or so, and they're lucky to get to ride it more than once. That weekly schedule is killing! Most races happen on the weekends, and CN has to go to the printer on Monday afternoon.

Product Evaluations in CN are, invariably, strokes for the advertising department, enabling them to hustle some ads. The LOOKING BACK section is a joy to read, and it brings back many memories.

A confession: I read CYCLE NEWS mostly for the vast Want Ad section. Every week, I scour these ads for some bozo who is willing to part with a clean vintage Maico for waaaaaay under the going price.

CN is also strong on upcoming events, regional event coverage and everyone reads the IN THE WIND section, if nothing else. While I'm not a big road racing fan, I truly enjoy the tests on exotic road racing equipment by Alan Cathcart, the European Editor. He knows his subject well, and backs it up with impressive racing credentials.

Graphically, CN is clean and crisp. The street bike tests in CYCLE NEWS boil down to little more than corporate butt-kissing. All things considered, though, I look forward to each issue, in spite of the ponderous road race coverage.

DIRT RIDER is a typical Petersen Publishing magazine, meaning that it's completely controlled by the advertising end of things. While DIRT RIDER is the largest selling dirt bike publication in sheer numbers, they've never been able to pass DIRT BIKE on the newsstands. The bulk of their numbers are generated by give-away discount subscriptions and block-purchasing of dead sub lists.

When you pick up a copy of DIRT RIDER, it's normally 40 percent thicker than DIRT BIKE. Initial impressions are that it contains a lot of stuff. A glance at the Table of Contents promises a cornucopia of dirt-riding oriented goodies: riding tips, tests, product evaluations, tech savvy, and so forth.

However, closer examination of the riding tips turns out to be disappointing, at best. The advice is so generalized that it's next to useless. Example: "When you approach deep ruts, try to keep loose and don't fight the grooves." Oh, really? Jeez, we always thought it was best to yank your bars wildly from side to side when in a deep rut.

The shootouts are abysmal; everybody is wonderful, but the biggest advertiser is just a little bit more wonderful in important categories. One must wonder if the staff has had their lips pried off of Honda's posterior with a crowbar at times.

The Editorial Director is Tom Webb, a graduate of DIRT BIKE; the Editor is Ken Faught, who gushes so much "gee-whiz" that you want to slap him into taking a stand on something. Webb does a column called Wolf Tales that works every once in a while, but too often relies on over-worked cliches: ... "ripped my lips off I crashed so hard" ... "things got ugly" ... "it sucks" ... "slimeball" ... "oozed madness" ... "into the meat of the powerband" ... "I suck at starts" ... "crashing sucks" ... "completely freak out" ... "it really sucks" ... and of course, the ever-reliable ... "things got uglier and they really sucked!"

In all fairness to Tom, I know how hard it is to come up with a column the night before deadline. Been there; done that. To be even more fair, Tom does have flashes of genius in those columns, but insists on over-using those hackneyed phrases, instead of searching for original journalism. One last thought: please stop the face-contorting column photos. Grimacing like you're trying to fart a bowing ball gets tiresome after a while.

Ken Faught's column is an exercise in mis-spent exuberance. Was he a Mouseketeer in a former life? One can only wonder. The smile exhibited in the column photos reminds one of the synchronized swimmers. Yes, I'm out of oxygen, but - screw it - I'm going to smile if I have to blow a gut in the process!

The April issue of DIRT RIDER was a prime example of how to waste pages. The DR staff sent five 125 MX bikes to various after market shops, for a "HOP-UP SPECIAL." It was a nine page exercise in editorial fellatio. The drill was this: you buy your new 125 MXer, then send thousands of bucks to this or that shop, and they give you the supreme weapon. Hop-up special? Hardly. It's an infomercial, pure and simple. While I fully understand the necessity of advertising for a publication to survive, nonetheless, those strokes in DR are shameless, and make the vegetable slicer-dicer infomercials look like National Geographic, by comparison.

Trail Tips, ahh, yes the little tips and tricks from the readers. Pearls of wisdom? Let's see ... "you can repack your silencer with wall insulation instead of spending $20 for a re-packing kit." Wow! What a concept! "Put a cork in your gas can spout to keep the gas from spilling out." Whew! High tech breakthrough.

Dr. Dirt, a tech column by Eric Gorr, is well done, but should be twice as long, and more general in the approach. For every question about jetting a new CR-250, there must be a thousand questions about how to keep a crusty old XR-500 alive and running well.

The MOTO section of DR is a celebration of riders in tasteless riding gear, getting sideways for the camera, when they should be concentrating on learning how to cut lap times instead. Racing here, seems to be an exploitation of flash backs of Crusty Demon's out-takes.

DIRT RIDER used to run a great column by Ed Hertfelder, called Duct Tapes, but it was dropped. Too bad. Ed wrote with a down-home touch and related well to the real-world riders. However, if you're a 17 year old 15 MXer, worried about how many nipple rings you should wear, then Ed's humor seemed like it was from another planet.

DR does a better job on keeping people posted on where to ride, and land use problems, than any other slick monthly. While the color photography is excellent, their black and white shots invariably look like they were taken through a corroded screen door. Graphically, DIRT RIDER seems to lean toward cramming in as many photos as possible, many of them too small to be of value.

The April 1997 issue of DR represents, I feel, a typical package. There's a nine page waste of space called Race Bikes of the Stars that drools over expensive parts. Use of the slang word "ti" (for titanium) seems mandatory.

And if it's made of carbon fiber, the caption writer seems to have an orgasm.

The big picture? It's obvious that the DR staff works hard and puts in many hours to gather all of the words and photos offered to you each month, but they have made the all too common mistake of losing touch with the average rider. It's an easy trap to fall into when you're being courted by manufacturers and advertisers.

The solution? They ought to sit down with a guy who has a six year old bike and listen to what he has to say. For every dirt biker who tries to look like Jeremy McGrath and spends hundreds of dollars every year on trick stickers for his new 125, there are hundreds - perhaps thousands - of people who ride for fun and could care less what Jeff Emig's favorite color is.

The April '97 issue of DIRT BIKE is probably the most embarrassing package they've put out in the last two years.

The keystone of the issue is an 18-page stocking stuffer titled "The 25 Fastest 250 cc Supercrossers." It's nothing more than photos of 25 bikes with a list of goodies used. No doubt, there are a few pimple-faced kids sitting around, slobbering over the photos, thinking this is the best thing to appear in print since Heavy Metal Magazine appeared on the stands.

Since this was their April issue, some humor was expected, but the article titled "America's 10 Worst Riders," was so lame that a visit by Dr. Kevorkian would have helped. Read this piece at your own risk.

On the positive side, I find Roger DeCoster's column always interesting, in that you get the real behind-the-scenes stuff going on at the National racing level. Even better, when Roger writes about the good old days, it's almost like you were there.

Ron Lawson writes From The Saddle each month, and more often than not, this column is worth reading, although one can see that he's straining to be humorous at times.

A letters column in any magazine can be a fun spot to browse. To see how it should be done, pick up a copy of Car & Driver. To see how it should not be done, wander through most any issue of DB.

The Mr. Know-It-All Q&A column (I think it's being written by Tim Tolleson now) still has the flavor of the one that Vic Krause and I invented about 20 years ago.

Like catalogs? Then you'll love the six page story on how to Personalize Your CR 250. If you were looking for any useful information, you'd stand a better chance of finding it on the back of your box of breakfast cereal.

On tests (or shootouts) DIRT BIKE still seems to be more honest that their prime competitor, DIRT RIDER.

Their last page, Crash & Burn, has been a mainstay for almost three decades. Many a garage throughout the world has one or more of these wipe-out photos taped to the wall.

The bottom line? Much like DIRT RIDER, DB has lost touch with the real world riders, and has turned into a supercross-oriented publication. When's the last time you saw a genuine how-to article in DIRT BIKE? Where are the things that made DIRT BIKE what it was, like chain lube comparisons? Don't people still check the timing on their bikes, service suspension linkage, put fresh clutch plates in, and struggle with O-ring chain repair? Apparently, not here.

Based in New Jersey, TRAIL RIDER is run by Paul Clipper, another graduate of the Hi-Torque/Dirt Bike group. TR is unabashedly written for the Eastern fun/play/trail/enduro/hare scrambles rider. If you ride in trees, rocks and mud, you'll find a home here.

Tests in TRAIL RIDER are done with the emphasis on how the bike works in the woods. Here, a soft, supple suspension is welcomed; coping with 75-foot triple jumps is, thankfully, ignored. Paul is patient with a test bike. Just because an ATK 250 is not the fastest bike available, or the trickest, Clipper will not write it off. He'll go to great pains to tell you how to make the thing work in the woods. TR will tell you what gearing works, what jetting to use, and how to set the suspension up without spending a fortune on after marketparts. They're especially knowledgeable on KTMs and Huskys.

Mark Uth does most of the tech articles in TR, and they're a solid source of know-how. Uth's writing improves with every issue.

Clipper has hisown certified mad-man writing for TR: Charlie Williams, listed as National Affairs Editor. Paul gives Charlie lots of leeway in his stories, and the result is a loose, weird, gonzo-journalism that is a joy to read. Following Williams through an enduro or hare scrambles in print, is almost like being there with him. Everybody knows someone like Charlie Williams, and Paul is smart enough to exploit this. Often, Williams forgets to take photos when he covers an event, and makes up for this with crude (and intensely funny) stick drawings.

Paul does a column (Last Over) every month, and nine out of ten times, it's good stuff. His column in the March '97 issue "Knowing the Language," is a pure gem.

Because TR is a regional magazine, much of the content is devoted to area events. While this might not mean much to you if you live in Arizona, but the Northeast riders eat this up.

Photography in TR is excellent, in general, with crisp black and white photos; layout and graphics are clean and simple, with no wasted space.

Ed Hertfelder, who was cut off at the kneecaps at DIRT RIDER, found a new home at TRAIL RIDER.

All things considered, TRAIL RIDER is certainly readable; it's not a pretentious magazine. Paul Clipper knows where he is, what his people want, and delivers it.

Another Daisy/Hi Torque publication, MOTOCROSS ACTION is, quite literally, the motocross scene as noted through the eyes of Editor, Jody Weisel. Weisel is very opinionated and set in his ways; one must admire his willingness to take a stance.

The approach of MXA is simplistic: if you're hard-core, race-faced, live, eat and breathe motocross racer (or a wannabe), this is for you. MXA lives by the credo that you must have the latest and trickest equipment, and dress in the fashion of the moment. Show up with a plain-Jane white helmet for an MXA test session, and their people look at you like you're in the advanced stages of leprosy.

And woe be unto the racer with a stock bike! You gotta have Pro Circuit this and FMF that. This reflects in the seemingly endless articles on bikes of the stars, which consists of nothing more than photos of the equipment and a shopping list of things you absolutely have to buy, or hang your head in shame.

MXA does a good job on bike set-up information, giving you the jetting that works (in SoCal) and settings for the suspension. But be warned! What works at Perris may be completely off-base for a racer in muddy Louisiana. In many respects, MXA is as regional in its approach as TRAIL RIDER.

Respect for the past is clear in MXA, and articles about former greats are regularly featured. The Great Moments(last page) works well and brings back many memories. Interviews with current riders are often insipid, relying on teeny-bopper questions.

Weisel's column, Jody's Box, has become horrifyingly stylized over the years. It's hard to tell one column from another, and the characters reek with juvenile dialogue. Too often, the column is a self-stroke for Weisel; he has not discovered self-deprecating humor yet.

An industry embarrassment, the column allegedly done by Publisher, Roland Hinz, is called On The Mainjet. The column is written for Hinz by Weisel; Hinz shamelessly claims the byline. Invariably, Hinz/Weisel writes something about the AMA, or the current glitches in how races are run. The column has a sufficient supply of boredom to put a charging rhino to sleep in mid-stride.

Tests in MXA are so stylized that it's painful. Every test asks the same questions in bold type: HOW FAST IS IT? WHAT ABOUT THE FORKS? DOES IT STOP ON A DIME? Etcetera, ad nauseum. Each question is answered in hackneyed style, and each reads like every other test.

Often, MXA is a huge package, filled with four-color ads. Too often, you'll find only 40 or so pages of editorial in a 164-page issue. In many respects, MOTOCROSS ACTION has become a catalog, and a very successful one at that.

No doubt, there are dirt bikers who would rather look at pictures than read. For them, MOTOCROSS JOURNAL is the equivalent of PEOPLE Magazine; all fluff and little substance. Big photos, lame captions, light copy and plenty of white space, all offer the look of a coffee-table book.

MXJ doesn't do tests, but they do the usual meaningless features on trick race bikes. The April issue, for example, has profiles on no less than five bikes that are nothing more than large photos with captions explaining which after market parts are used.

On the plus side, MXJ does some clean photo features on selected vintage bikes. However, the young staff often gets their facts wrong. Example: a caption on a vintage Maico noted that the bike did not have a primary kick-start. Maicos have always had primary kick-start.

Bowing to the style-conscious crowd, MXJ wastes a full page each issue showing a garishly-painted helmet owned by a current hot shoe.

Editor, Jimmy Mac, is responsible for putting out this package every two months. Here's a sample of his writing style in an interview with '96 500 cc World Champion, Shayne King: "Here's some cool stuff about Shayne King: He speaks perfect English (that's what they speak in New Zealand, dude). He laughed with us when we made fun of his geeky Euro riding outfit. We liked Shayne immediately, and you will, too."

Penetrating journalism, eh?

You will find some quality photos in the pages of MXJ, especially in All Access, a photo gallery. Unfortunately, you can riffle through the pages of MOTOCROSS JOURNAL in ten minutes or less. There simply is no substance. No meat.

With this in mind, we suggest that this magazine be renamed to MOTOCROSS ACTION LITE.

Unique among other publications, OBJ glories in the good old days and the bikes from that period. Split about half-and-half between street and dirt, OBJ is a combination of want ads for old bikes and equipment, and features about them. There's also substantial coverage of great races and racers of the past.

Editor, Greg Bastek, is very young to have such a penetrating interest in the vintage bikes. He grew up when the dirt bike boom was happening, and even remembers with fondness his first clapped-out mini-bike. Bastek was there when the Honda Elsinore burst on the scene, and still races one of the silver-tanked units in vintage events.

The Want Ads are a pleasure to wander through; who wouldn't want a pristine Vincent Black Shadow in the garage? Yearn for a Triumph like Steve McQueen used to ride? You'll find dozens of them available in OBJ. Need some parts for your old Bultaco or Hodaka? You'll not only find what you need, you'll have a choice of vendors.

Want Ads are divided into the following categories:

Almost anything can show up in the Miscellaneous section. In the March issue, an Idaho man was selling a 1970 Chrysler Sno-Runner, which was a motorcyle with a single ski up front and a rear tracker. Then there are the people looking for things, like the poor bastard who was desperately seeking a points/condenser set for a 1964 Valmobile 50 cc.

Tech articles are invaluable for the do-it-yourselfer; in recent issues there have been how-tos on rebuilding old carbs and shocks.

Current race coverage deals with vintage events, and dirt-trackers will get their fix here. This writer has his Checkpoint column running every month in OBJ, and Mark Zimmerman has a savvy tech Q & A column for puzzled readers.

Pick up a copy of OBJ and enjoy it, but be warned! Chances are high that you'll see a rolling piece of histroy in the want ads, and it'll find a home in your garage.

Trials riders have limited choices in reading material; you can get several English newspapers, or subscribe to FEET UP!

While not a trials expert by the longest stretch of the imagination, I nonetheless enjoy reading every issue of the quarterly.

Tests are brutally honest, and it's obvious that the bikes are ridden hard under actual competition conditions before opinions are formed. Editor, Don Williams, is an Intermediate level trials rider, but solicits input from riders of all skill levels when doing a test. This is good, because a bike that works for an expert, might be intimidating for a beginner.

Williams understands that trials competition is not for everyone, and goes to great lengths to explain how a test bike will work as a fun or trail bike. His column, Section 8, gives you some good insight to the sport, and is worth reading even if you're not a trials buff.

Tech tips and how-tos are thorough and well-written, and Matt Hilgenberg's Vintage Voice column takes you back in time.

A slim magazine (usually less than 40 pages), FEET UP! has plenty of photos of riders tackling sections that look nearly impossible. Riders standings, events listings, a riding tips column by ex-champ, Lane Leavitt, and real-world products tests all add up to a solid package.

Davey Coombs is the driving force behind this ultra-loose publication. RACER X ILLUSTRATED covers the racing scene, with the emphasis on motocross and supercross, and some woods racing thrown in on an irregular basis. All the usual magazine rules are thrown out the window here, and you never know what might greet you in the next issue.

Right next to heavy coverage of the French supercross, you'll find a side bar story on how expensive it is to get drunk in a local pick-up bar. Breaking up the usual racing photos, are plenty of shots of great looking babes with thunderous knockers. These photos are matched with leering, lecherous captions that are often side-splittingly funny.

A regular contributor to RACER X, is the wild-man from ESPN-2 fame, Jerry Bernardo. A story or column from Jerry consists of wild rambling prose, excruciating details about vile personal habits, doses of writing brilliance and all the subtlety of a WWF Texas Chainsaw Loser-Leaves-Town Death Match. Jerry doesn't massage the English language; he mangles it into submission. Somehow, he manages to get a point or three across, in spite of the scatter-gun approach to order. Chaos rules. But it's highly inventive chaos. It's a dangerous writing style, but it's like no one else.

Coombs, on the other hand, is an organized writer, and will tell you everything you need to know, plus he'll get the mood and feel of the story across. When he reports on a big race, you feel like you were there with him, hanging around the pits, jawing with the riders he knows on a first-name basis.

The racers respect Davey Coombs, because they know he was a solid pro-level racer (he still rides as much as his schedule allows). He understands the sport and what motivates the racers. More, he even comprehends at gut level what confuses and crushes them.

Regular features include Pit Pass, a collection of wild and weird photos, and snippets of gossip that borderline on libel. Here's where you'll also find the best pictures of drop-dead, beautiful trophy girls.

The Mail Room letters column is loaded with irreverent correspondence from the readers. The letter writers get into the spirit of, and contribute some outrageous bench racing tales. Want to know how a National MX was from the spectator's point of view? Chances are you'll get the straight scoop here.

Scarred For Life is a column that has off-the-wall quotes from inside and out of the industry. Here, you'll find everything from Roger DeCoster bitching about the new-style riding gear, to a quote from Nathanial Hawthorne about man's inhumanity to man. Somehow, it all manages to relate to racing.

Interviews in RACER X ILLUSTRATED are not your run-of-the-mill blather. Instead, Coombs asks direct - often rude - questions that generate interesting copy.

Even the subscription ads in RACER X ILLUSTRATEDare outrageous. Example: There's a sky shot of a jumper, and the copy reads ... "SUBSCRIBE - or we're moving the landing ramp."

Graphically, RACER X ILLUSTRATED is a hodge-podge of whatever fits. All the rules are not only bent, they're folded, spindled and mutilated. Type-styles shift in mid-word, photos are super-imposed over old race results, layouts look like they were dropped from a passing bus and the results are daring, imaginative and jolting to the eye.

You cannot call RACER X ILLUSTRATED boring. It's on the cutting edge of this particular period of racing history. While other magazines are playing it safe and wallowing in mediocrity, RACER X ILLUSTRATED ignores them and charts it's own unique path. If Davey's publication ever gets the distribution it deserves, it'll blow most of the others out of the water.

E-mail: Rick@off-road.com
Visit Rick's MONKEYBUTT PAGE.