I'm sure all of us dirt bike riders have turned
to the funny pages in the newspaper and read, along with the comics, the
Horoscope. Sometimes it is called "Your Zodiac". Has any sage enlightenment
contained in the horoscopes ever held true for yourself?
I didn't think so.
Therefore, I present a new, and dubiously accurate horoscope - designed
exclusively for dirt bike riders! Now, thanks to The Dirt Bike Riders
Horoscope, dirt bike riders will know which sign of the zodiac they were
faceplanted under!
DISCLAIMER NOTICE:
This horoscope is unique from most horoscopes. It doesn't suggest any specific
birth date, nor does it predict the future. The opinions expressed in this
Horoscope are not those of anyone or anything. If you are offended by this
material, go away, and don't tell your mommy about this stuff.
Scorpio (The scorpion): Scorpios are over competitive dirt bike riders that believe they are famous.
They are anything but famous. Scorpios believe they are naturally exceptional
riders. Their riding abilities are anything but exceptional. In reality, most
Scorpios never compete further than the 125cc MX Novice class. They often run
into, and injure, other riders during competitive events. Mini-riders are
classic Scorpios. Many hard core Scorpios do not reach the age of 17. Their
biological parents usually have them secretly abducted, then slain. The
parents derive enormous psychological benefits from the abduction and
subsequent killing. The life insurance benefits for the "bereaved" aren't too
shabby either!
Sagittarius (The dude that has his head
and torso attached to the body and legs of a horse): Sagittarians are dual-sport bike riders. They can't make up their mind if they
want to ride in the dirt, or ride a bike that will take them to the local ice
cream shop. Sadly, they compromise, and ride machines that normally aren't too
great on the street or dirt. Sagittarians are average dirt bike riders. It's
often difficult for them to scrape up money to purchase dirt bikes. Basically,
Sagittarians generally have problems making up their minds about a lot of
things.
Capricorn (The goat): If you ever see a rider putt-putting around on an old Hodaka, Rokon, or AMF
Harley-Davidson, wearing a leather pudding bowl helmet, fuzzy yellow
Handy-Andy gloves, and Red Wing work boots for riding protection, chances are
very good that you looking at a Capricorn. Surprisingly, Capricorns are
extremely friendly and gregarious individuals that enjoy the sport of dirt
biking very much. They never got caught up in the "I Must Have a New Dirt Bike"
mindset. Capricorns believe that aluminum serves no real purpose on a dirt
bike. They are outstanding bench racers.
Aquarius (The dude that pours water out
of a container): Aquarius is the most evil,
and sometimes best disguised, member of the dirt bike horoscope family. At one
time, these individuals owned a dirt bike. After discovering a dirt bike was "hard
to ride" and confusing to repair and maintain, the typical Aquarian gives up
dirt bike riding and becomes an environmental zealot. They change face quickly
for two reasons. First, they are stupid. Second, they love no one, except
themselves. These two faced, hypocritical individuals are hard to spot. The
only clue that may give them away as being Aquarius is when they say something
along the lines of, "Yea, I owned a dirt bike, once." Due to
their defective personalities, and fanatic agenda to save nature, many
Aquarius's enjoy sex with small wild animals.
Pisces (The fish): Pisces are dirt bike riders that feel a strange need to ride exclusively in
notoriously wet areas, like the forests near the coast of Oregon. When riding
in the desert, Pisces feel horribly out of place and become extremely anxious.
In extreme desert riding situations, they may wander off looking for the
mythical 'desert tortoise', believing the creature is located near a water
source. Pisces dirt bike riders are easy to identify. Look for mold growing in
the creases of their shoes and silicone waterproofing build-up between their
fingers. Paul Clipper is a Pisces
Aries (The Ram): Aries are hard riding, extremely persistent, and fairly skilled dirt bike
riders. All Aries carry out what they intend to do on a dirt bike, no matter
the cost involved. Aries are easily spotted in a crowd of dirt bikers. Except
for the occasional out of place new plastic piece or bike part, their bikes
are generally scratched and marred by numerous heavy duty crashes. Their
helmets and riding gear look the same as their bike. Many Aries suffer from
brain damage induced mental disorders.
Taurus (The bull):
A Taurus feels a ridiculous need for infinite power and speed. Taurus's
ride big bore, open class bikes. If you are visiting an engine porting shop
and someone walks in with a KTM 550 cylinder asking the specialist to port it
for more top-end, the KTM 550 cylinder owner is a full blown, dyed in the
wool, Taurus. Tom and Dan White of White Bros. have made a very good living
for themselves exploiting Taurus's. Many Taurus's die from spontaneous
combustion.
Gemini (The twins): Gemini's are probably the most misunderstood dirt bike riders. They are found
riding in pairs. They ride with one riding buddy only, and it's always the
same riding buddy! Gemini's will ride with other dirt bike riders. However,
they eventually lose interest in the company and end up riding with one
another somewhere else. Gemini's are accused, often wrongly, of being
homosexual.
Cancer (The crab): These are individuals that indubitably adore vintage bikes and racing. It's
usually easy to identify a Cancer. They talk about every dirt bike they have
ridden and every race they have raced before 1979. Cancer's complain about the
new bikes and Supercross. They believe the sport of dirt biking "just isn't
the same anymore". (They have a point there.) Rick Sieman is a notorious
Cancer.
Leo (The lion): Leo's are the dirt bike sports 'cream of the crop'. Their natural talents are
found in few individuals; additionally, their talents are envied by many of us
mere mortal dirt bike riders. During their dirt bike careers, Leo's rarely
lost many competitive events. Roger DeCoster, J.N. Roberts, Bob Hannah, Rick
Johnson, Larry Roessler, Jeremy McGrath, and Patrick J. Chicas (Pat paid me
$100 to put his name under Leo) are just a few examples of dirt bike Leo's.
Virgo (The woman): Virgo's spend more money on the latest dirt bike apparel than what their bike
is worth! Basically, Virgo's value their looks more than their machinery! If
you see a person riding an average looking bike, decked out big time in AXO,
JT, MSR, THOR, and Fox gear, you are looking at a Virgo. Virgo's hate to get
dirty and are rarely seen riding in dusty or muddy conditions. Despite the
Virgo's passion for the sport, they are loathed by many dirt bike riders,
particularly Cancers.
Libra (The balance scales): Libra's have incredible talent, that is incredibly under rated. Libra's love
the sport of dirt bike so much, they own several dirt bikes. Each bike serves
a different purpose. For example, I knew a Libra that owned 5 different bikes.
One machine was for MX, one was for enduros, one was for hare scrambles, one
was for hillclimbing, and one was a practice/loaner bike! Despite their
talent, most Libra's never end up competing professionally. They usually
stretch themselves to thin to do one thing extremely well.
The next time your at the races or riding with your buddies, observe the
riders carefully. Don't be too surprised if each rider will fit into one of
the "Dirt Bike Riders's Horoscope"categories!
