***  

Emma looked up from her knitting and turned to Carl, who was sitting in the captain's chair of The Whale, lumbering down the road at exactly three miles over the posted speed limit. "Carl, would you mind telling me where we're headed?" "Well, honey pot, I figured we'd wander on down to Florida. Maybe do a little fishin' and then hop on over to Disney Town and see Mickey Moose. " "You mean `Disney World,' dear ... and the character is named Mickey Mouse. " "That's what I said woman. You got bugs in your ear or somethin'? Now tune me in some good music on the radio. Somethin modern, like Herman and the Hairnets, or maybe some of that funky Creedence Tapwater stuff." Emma started to correct Carl, then thought better of it and hunched forward over the horribly complex sound system on the dash of The Whale. She eyeballed the forty odd buttons, 28 knobs and 114 blinking lights, then reached out and poked something. Carl snorted. "Emma, you just changed the clock and the date. Move that fat little finger of yours over to the left and hit that button surrounded by the little blue lights. Yeh, that's the one. Jeez, I wish you'd take the time to read the manual that came with the Blitzkreig Woofmaster Screaming Decibel Mark 7 Sound System." "Carl, it's bigger than the Lorain, Ohio phone book. I still don't see why need an eleven thousand dollar radio." "Hey, it's more than a radio, Emma. This puppy not only gets AM and FM, it gets PM and AC and DC and a coupla other neat things." Emma hit the indicated button, and lo and behold, the digital station indicator readout changed and sound emitted:

" ... so if you want to save big bucks on poultry feed, you just got to stop by Hen City over where Highway 93 crosses Interstate 15 and ask for ... "

…dial, dial, dial…
" ...our next selection will be the Valdosta High School band playing all the themes from the Pink Panther movies, and after that, we'll have ... "

…dial, dial, dial…
" ...and then my husband ran off with two cheerleaders. Dr. LaPlant, I just don't know what to do. I've gained another 85 pounds and feel terrible and ... "

…dial, dial, dial…
" ... now the worst thing you can do when your poodle starts to get a skin condition, is to ignore it. These sensitive little darlings need ... "

…dial, dial, dial…
" ... if you really want to make it big in real estate, you're going to need these tapes that tell you how to buy entire city blocks for no money down and ... "

…dial, dial, dial…
" ... next up is Lester Stump and the Possum Hollow Jug Suckers with a classic: Don't Lean On My Tractor 'Cause I Caught You Cheatin' In The Back Forty ... " "Hold it right there, Emma. I can live with some serious country music right about now. After all, we're almost at the Georgia State Line." "I'd be careful In Georgia, Carl. I read in one of those magazines that they have all kinds of speed traps. And you're always driving faster than the posted speed limits. After that close call we just had, I'd hate to have another brush with the law." "Emma, you see that box of kleenex on the dash? Well, that ain't exactly a box of kleenex, ya know. Inside that empty box is the most sophisticated piece of radar detector known to man, the Whistling Fox Escort Cop Sniffer Mark 12. It can pick up radar 28 miles away inside a tunnel in a rainstorm. Cost me a month's pay." Twenty eight miles away, inside a tunnel, sat Officer LaRue Honker in his squad car. On his dash was the most sophisticated radar equipment known to man. The township had just bought the elaborate electronics for Officer Honker and he wasn't quite sure how it all worked. A bewildering array of dials, lights, buzzers and gauges hummed, buzzed and beeped. Officer Honker had tried to read the manual ... he really had. But it was close to hopeless. He did remember one thing, though. When the yellow light in the upper left hand corner came on, it meant that a vehicle with a high bucks radar detector was heading toward him. And that light was now blinking accusingly.As Officer Honker recalled, when the vehicle in question pulled into view, he was supposed to grab his radar gun and point it as close as possible to the center of the offending vehicle. He fidgeted and wished that he had graduated from grade school and was able to read better and understand the manual. A short time later, The Whale rumbled into view and the yellow light on Officer Honker's dash started blinking madly. He reached down to his seat and grabbed the radar gun, aimed it dead center of the grill of the approaching rig and squeezed the trigger. A booming sound rang through the cab of the squad car and Officer Honker realized with a sickening lurch in his stomach that he had not squeezed the trigger of his new hyper-zoot radar gun. Instead, he had just squeezed the trigger of his trusty old 357 Magnum handgun. For a moment, Officer Honker closed his eyes, hoping against hope that he had missed. But he knew better. All those hours on the shooting range had made him relatively accurate. Pretty damned accurate, actually. He opened his eyes and his worst fears were confirmed; a huge cloud of steam billowed out from the hood of the approaching Suburban and black streaks squiggled out from the rear wheels. The Suburban squealed to a stop ten feet in front of the squad car and a stocky figure hopped out, obviously very upset. Officer Honker groaned. This was not the best way to start a day with his new speed equipment. Carl strode up to the squad car and saw the smoking 357 Magnum in the hand of Officer Honker. "Hey, Dirty Harry. You want to tell me why you just shot my Suburban?" "Uhh, I really didn't mean to ... you see, I thought I was aiming my radar gun and I grabbed my pistol by mistake. I'm sorry about that. Hope I didn't do much damage. Maybe we just put a little bitty hole in the radiator. My brother in law runs a garage in town and he can fix it up for you real quick. Let's take a looksee, OK?" Carl and Officer Honker walked over to the huge Suburban as a cloud of steam hissed out from underneath the hood. A wimpering sound came from inside the cab of The Whale. "What's that noise?" asked Officer Honker. "Well, that's either my wife, crying her eyes out, or the dog is scared enough to have puppies, which is a pretty good trick, seeing as it's a boy dog. Lookee here, Officer ... ?" "Honker. The name's Honker." "Well, well look, Humper, you scared the hell outta us. Good thing I got some military training, or I woulda panicked and started shootin' back." "Oh, was you in the service?""Yup. 28 years in the Navy. Came out as a Chief Petty Officer. Backbone of the fleet, ya know." "You bet I do. I was Chief Bosun's Mate on the Antietam in the Big One. Double-ya, Double-ya Two." "Hey, put her there, Hinkler. Always glad to meet a fellow swabby, even if he is shootin at me." "That's Honker." "At's what I said. That gun ruin your hearing? Anyways, lets pop the hood and study the damage. Emma, come on out and meet Officer Honda." Two eyes peered from the door edge. "Will he shoot me if I come out? I told you not to speed, Carl." "Naw, don't worry about anything. This here's a good guy. Just a little trigger happy." While Emma cautiously got out of The Whale, Carl lifted the hood and they both peered through the steam. Both men let out low whistles. "Whoa," Carl said. "We got us a problem here. That gun of yours makes a serious hole. Went in the radiator the size of a dime and came out the back like a grapefruit. Then it went in the timing cover like a grapefruit and came out of the side of the block the size of a lemon meringue pie. That brother in law of yours a real good mechanic?" Officer Honker sighed. "Yup, he's as good as they come, but it's gonna take him some time. Not too many 454 blocks sitting around Log Jam. Georgia. Look, I'd consider it a favor if'n you and the missus would be my guest while we fix your rig up. I got a nice 4WD Land Cruiser and could show you some of the finest trails in the world!" "Well, I don't know ... " "And I'll take you with me out on the job and let you help me trap some speeders. Whattaya say ... uhhh ... " "Carl. The name's Carl." "Well, Carl Do we got a deal? I'll even get the judge to get you a temporary deputy's badge and put you on the payroll while they work on your truck. You get a percentage of all the tickets we write. They's some pretty good money to be made. Deal?" Carl smil ed, and stuck out his meaty hand. "Officer Honkley, you got a deal. Looks like we are gonna have some fun."

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Stay tuned. because next month Carl and Officer Honker run into a big-time crime wave. Can they handle it? Only time will tell.