We join them now as they're driving down a narrow, humped-in-the-middle dirt road, with The Whale pitching, bobbing and weaving heavily in the rain-ruts and rocks.

Carl hung on to the wheel with both hands and sawed away, trying to keep the wheels from dropping into the worst bumps and ruts.  The Whale was still in 2WD, since the road was level, if nothing else.

Carl leaned over to the right.  "Emma?  If the map was right, we should be crossin' a paved road at mile nine-point-two.  You wanna check that out?"

Emma pursed her lips and ran her finger over the map.  "Hmmm.  Well, the odometer says 13.4 miles, and we've been driving for an hour since we left the pavement and we haven't crossed any paved roads, so I guess we're not on the road we think we are."

Carl shrugged and spit a huge brown gob out of the driver's side window and splattered it against a tree trunk. "Well, then, Emma, would you mind pointing your finger on the road we are on?"

Emma thought for a minute. "Actually, I'm not real sure.  You see, this is that topo map thing you gave me to use, and I've never read one of these before.  I sort of, kind of, pretty much, don't know what all these different colors mean.  A regular map just has black lines for normal roads and thick red lines for big highways.  This one has different shades of browns, greens and  yellows.  It's very confusing."

"Not to worry.  Ya see, those different colors show the different altitudes.  When you look at the topo map, you can see if you're at sea level, or above 4000 feet.  Now isn't that cool?"

Emma wrinkled her nose.  "Well, I'm sure that's very nice, but that doesn't tell us where we're at, does it?"

Carl stopped The Whale and stepped on the parking brake. "What we got to do is get us located.  So, in order to find where we are, the first thing we need to do is find north.  Let's see ... hmmm ... the sun sets in the east so that would make north this way ..."

Emma's eyes opened wide.  "What did you say?  Why, everyone knows that the sun sets in the west!  Don't you remember all those Gene Autry movies we used to watch when we were dating?  The sun always set in the west then, and I have no reason to assume things have changed."

"Hells-fire, woman!  I said west.  You got wax build-up in your ears, or what?  Now, the sun is over there, so that would make it west, and ..."

"Carl, I hate to interrupt you, but it's only 10:15 in the morning, so the sun is in the east now.

"Jeez!  Make up your mind, woman!  First you say west, now you change your mind to east.  No wonder Sampson cut Cleopatra's hair off back in the bible days.  She got him all confused."

Emma just shook her head from side to side.  "Carl, just do me one favor.  If Billy Graham retires, don't apply to take over his job. OK?"

"What does all that have to do with figurin' out where north is?  I think all those TV soap operas have damaged your brain cells.  We got to get down to basics and find out where north is."

Emma folded her arms and grinned widely.  "Why don't you just get the compass out and look at it?  It's sitting right there in the glove compartment right next to your pouches of chewing tobacco."

Carl looked more than a bit sheepish.  "Uhh, well, yeah ... that was my next step.  But sometimes I like to fall back on my Navy training and see if I can figure out things the old-fashioned way."

Carl got the compass out and set it on the hood of The Whale.  He pointed a stubby fore-finger and proclaimed, "Aha!  There it is:  north!"

Emma sighed.  "OK, Marco Polo.  Now that you know where north is, would you mind figuring out where we are?"

Carl beamed.  "Hah!  All you got to do is lay the compass on the map and line things up. Now pay attention."

He unfolded the topo map, laid it flat on the ground, then placed the compass on the map.  It was necessary to twist the map around to line up the "North" arrow with the compass.  Carl got down on all fours and pointed:  "There you go!  North!"

Emma frowned.  "OK.  Now you know where north is.  Do you know where we are?"

Carl scrunched up his lips.  "Well, not exactly.  But if I just place the regular map on  top of the topo map, then I'll have a better idea.  I think."

Carl shuffled the maps around and lined everything up just so, then proclaimed:  "I think I got it!  We are directly south of a 5,000 feet mountain.  Emma?  Do you see a 5,000 foot mountain off where I'm pointing?"

"Nope.  I see a bunch of trees, some rocks, and a dirt road full of rain ruts that disappears under the trees.  If there was a 25,000 foot mountain a mile ahead, I couldn't see it for the trees, let alone a 5,000 foot mountain.  So what are you gonna do now, O Great Explorer?"

"Well, I could climb a tree, then if there is a 5,000 foot mountain up ahead, I'll be able to see it."

"Wouldn't it be easier - and a whole lot safer - if we just drove onward until we saw some kind of sign?  This dirt road is just way too wide to not be headed somewhere."

"Emma, at the risk of insulting you, which I would  never do, you don't know your elbow from your butt about finding your way off-road."

Emma folded her arms and pursed her lips;  there was a certain disturbed attitude about her.  She fixed Carl with a cold stare:  "You go right ahead and climb your tree, buster.  Just don't come crying to me if you fall out of the tree and kill yourself."

Carl realized that he might have gone just a touch too far and tried to smooth things out:  "C'mere and give me a big hug before I scale that tree, honey pot.  After all, how many men my age can climb a big tree like that one?"

"How many are stupid enough, you mean."

Carl ignored that barb and headed for the back of The Whale.  "Ya see, the key to climbin' a tree nice and easy, is to use a good pair of gloves.  The ones I got here are some old motocross gloves.  Well, wish me luck, Emma.  I'm headed up that tree and gonna find me a mountain!"

Emma muttered something under her breath.

"What's that you said, dear?  Something about a bass in a tree?  Now how in the heck am I gonna find a bass in a tree?"

Emma just shook her head.  "Never mind, Tarzan.  Just get your climbing over with so we can get on down the road."

Carl walked over to the base of the tall tree, eye-balled it straight up, and then started climbing.  He went up amazingly fast for a short, fat, old guy, and was soon out of sight.

Emma got a folding lawn chair from the back of The Whale, sat down at the base of the tree and opened up a smarmy paperback with Fabio on the cover in a pirate outfit, shirt open, holding a middle-aged woman in his arms.

By the time she had read a dozen pages, she dozed off.  A shout rang through the woods and it woke a startled Emma.  "Emmmmmaaa! I'm stuck!"

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes.  "Well, get un-stuck."

Carl let out a moan.  "I can't.  I slipped off and I'm hanging by my left pant leg cuff on the edge of a broken branch.  If I move, I'll fall straight to the ground and kill myself severely!  Emma, do something quick!"

She sighed, folded the chair up, put it in the back of the Suburban and started up The Whale.  "Emmmmmmaaa!  Where inna hell are you goin'?"

Emma leaned out the window.  "I'm going to drive down the road and see if I can find a sign."

Carl groaned.  "Ohh, jeez."

Emma peered up at the tree.  "Now don't you go anywhere,   dear.  I'll be back as soon as I can."

Emma heard what sounded a great deal like a bunch of vile navy curses echoing through the trees.

About an hour later, Emma returned and walked over to the tree. "Carl, are you still there?"

"No, I'm somewhere else, but I'm doing a hell of a ventriloquist job by throwing my voice about 90 feet up in a tree."

Emma shielded her eyes against the sun and peered up.  "Well, I've got this Forest Ranger with me and he said he'll climb up and help get you down."

"Where  did you find a Forest Ranger in the middle of nowhere?"

"Oh, there was a sign about a half mile down the road, and it had an arrows pointing to all kinds of places.  Would you believe that only three miles down the road, there's a horseback riding stable.  And just five miles away, there's a lake, and ..."

"Emma, can you please put a lid on the guided tour and let the Ranger do his job.  I think my foot is turning blue from lack of blood and my head feels like it's going to explode.  And I don't know how much longer this pant leg is going to hold out.

Fifteen minutes later, the Ranger had a shaken Carl safe, back on level ground.  Carl thanked him profusely while he tried to rub some circulation back into his leg.

The Ranger was more than a bit curious.  "I don't mean to get nosy, sir,  but what the heck were you doing up in a tree in the first place?"

"Well, we wuz sort of lost and I was trying to get my bearings."

The Ranger scratched his chin thoughtfully.  "Hmmm.  Have you ever considered carrying some topo maps with you!"

A moment later, Emma was confused to see Carl banging his head against the side of a large tree, very loudly.