"Texas, Emma. We're headed for the Glow Star State."

"You mean the Lone Star state."

"That's what I said, woman. You got wax in your ears, or what?"

"So what are we going to do in Texas? Nothing weird or stupid, I hope."

"Emma, why do you always assume the worst? Isn't it possible that we're simply going to a nice camping and fishing area? Or maybe to just drive around Texas and try to find a road-side sign with no bullet holes in it? Heck, we might even be goin' to a rodeo."

Emma thought real hard for a few minutes. "No, I don't think we're going camping, fishing, or even to a rodeo. I've been married to you way too long to trust that innocent pitch. Now, why don't you just up and tell me what kind of bizarre thing, or place, we're going to. Then I'll have time to adjust to it before we get there. So, spit it out."

Carl sighed deeply, then mumbled in a low tone: "We're going to a rattlesnake roundup. It's no big deal."

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't quite make out what you were saying. Would you repeat it?"

"Uhhh, it's a kind of a reptile festival."

"Reptile! What kind of reptile?"

"Well, it's sort of like a snake, ya see."

"Snake?! What kind of snake?"

"Uhhh... well ... it's ... that's is ... ummmm ... just your basic ordinary rattlesnake."

"Rattlesnake!!! Are you out of what little mind you have left? And who in the world is having a festival for those awful snakes?"

"It's not actually a festival. Ya see, it's more like a rattlesnake roundup."

Emma shuddered visibly and her eyes got real big. "Roundup? Carl, you better explain this to me right this very minute!"

Carl cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "Okee-dokee, here's the deal. There's this little town in Texas called Dog Breath, and they hold an annual rattlesnake roundup. It's a real big deal and thousands of people show up to see who can get the biggest snake. The winner gets a giant trophy and ten thousand bucks in cash. I hear it's gonna be covered by ESPN this year, too. It sure sounds like a lot of fun."

Emma folded her arms. "Hmmph. It doesn't sound like much fun to me, but I suppose it is something different. Just don't ask me to get anywhere near those ugly snakes."

They drove in silence for a few minutes as the sun set all the way, then Emma popped up straight in her seat, eyes big again. "Carl, tell me you didn't enter that snake roundup? Please tell me you're not that stupid?"

***

About 850 miles later, Carl pulled into the town of Dog Breath, Texas, and followed the signs to the Rattlesnake Roundup. Once there, he easily found the sign-up area and got in line with dozens of other people who were all entering the Roundup contest.

Emma stayed in The Whale, fuming, while Carl paid the $100 entry fee. After signing up, he was given a long stick with a "Y" fork on the end and a burlap sack with a string on the top. He also got a map and a sheet of instructions.

Carl walked back to The Whale with a big grin on his face. "Emma? We are gonna win us $10,000 with any luck at all. Now don't get all upset, because this ain't as dangerous as it seems. Ya see, you get this long stick here and you pin the snake behind the head, then you grab it and stick it in the sack. What could be easier?"

"I'll tell you what could be easier. Damned near anything else in the world, that's what! We could be somewhere by a nice stream, camping or fishing. We could be in a beautiful campground in a National forest. We could be in the middle of Death Valley in August at high noon, and that would be easier to handle than being surrounded by snake fans and sacks full of snakes. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

"Sure. You bet. Now, do you want to hunt in the north section, or maybe the south. There's more snakes in the south, but the bigger ones are in the north. I figger we head to the north section they show on this here map, because the grand prize is awarded to the contestant with the biggest snake. So which way do you want to go?"

"I want to go to the closest mental institution around here and get you committed.

"Aw, quit bein' such a spoil sport, Emma. Let's go out and have some fun."

"What do you mean by "us", Carl?"

"Well, most everybody is goin' out in the field in some kind of truck. Since the only 4x4 we got here is The Whale, I guess that means you either go out with me, or wait here, where they're gonna be bringin' the snakes in."

***

The Whale lumbered over the flat high desert floor, sticking to the well-worn trails. When they got to an area with some heavy brush and large boulders, Carl stopped the Suburban, got out, and stretched. "This looks like a good place to start. And there's even some rabbit crap on the ground, which is a dead indication of rabbits. Now hand me my stick and that burlap sack, and you just take it easy while I find a trophy rattler. Last years' winner was about six feet long, so it'll take a bit more than that to win the big bucks."

Emma handed Carl the stuff and then rolled the window half-way up. "You go and have your fun; just don't expect me to move one inch from this spot!"

Carl started walking slowly around the heavy brush, poking gently with his forked stick. After a few minutes, he heard a tell-tale rattle and spotted a rattler all coiled up at the base of a manzanilla bush.

He caught it easily with a jab of the forked stick, and noted with satisfaction that it was a four-footer. So he grabbed it behind the neck, slipped it into the sack, and continued with the hunt.

After two solid hours of searching, Carl had caught and released another dozen snakes ... all of them on the small side.

Just as he was starting to get discouraged, he saw an enormous rattler laying in the shade behind a huge rock.

The thing was huge! Carl guessed that it was at least twice as big as the one already in the sack!!! He quickly pinned it with the forked stick, being surprised as to how slowly the big snake moved. It was as least six inches thick across the middle, and Carl figured it was a good eight feet long! A winner, for sure!

He tossed the four foot snake out of the sack to make room for the big boy, then carefully slipped the trophy rattler into the burlap bag, and tied the string on the top. He was amazed as to the strength of the snake as he handled it!

The sack was far too heavy to carry back to The Whale, so he left it in the shade and walked back to the Suburban, and drove it to the spot. When Carl put the writhing bag in The Whale, Emma bolted out like she was sitting on a running weed-whacker.

"Hold it right there, buster! You're not actually going to put that huge snake inside The Whale!"

Carl grunted as he hefted the bag. "Got no choice, Emma. Can't really leave it out in the sun; the heat might kill the snake. Heck, don't worry, Emma. It's in the sack and I tied it good and tight with a real Navy knot."

Apparently, this logic didn't sit well with Emma, as she clambered up on the roof of The Whale, with a lawn chair in hand and a pistol in the other. "If you want me, I'll be on the roof. And if that snake wants me, I'm going to shoot it as many times as I have bullets in this gun. Now please do not bother me until you're ready to leave."

Carl spent another two hours, but couldn't find another snake even close to the size of that big boy he had tucked inside The Whale. By then, it was four o'clock and he had to be back at the judging center by six o'clock.

"OK, Emma. You can come down now. I'm gonna head back in."

"No way. I'm not moving off this roof until you get that snake out of the Suburban."

"But where am I going to put it for the drive back?"

"Put it on the roof, for all I care. Just make sure that slimy thing isn't in there with me!"

Carl opened up The Whale and reached for the sack, then did a double-take that nearly had him swallow his chew of Red Man tobacco. The sack was flat - and that could only mean one thing: the snake was no longer in the sack!

Carl got out and yelled up to Emma. "Hey, stay up there. The snake got out of the bag somehow. I'll see if I can find it."

A soda bottle bonked Carl in the head, and Emma let out with a string of obscenities that startled Carl. Some of those words he had never heard while he was in the Navy!

Carl poked around in the Suburban for a good half hour, but was unable to figure out where the snake had gone. Cautiously, he lifted all the cushions, moved the bedding around, shined a light under the stove and the storage shelves, and even shook out all the clothing.

Then he heard the unmistakable rattling sound coming from the front of the Suburban. Carl peeked under the two Captain's chairs and saw nothing, then heard the rattling again, this time further forward.

That meant the snake could be only one place: under the dash! Carl carefully aimed his flashlight under the dash, and sure enough, wrapped around all the wiring and the ducting, was the snake!

Carl clambered up on top of The Whale, folding lawn chair in hand, and sat down next to Emma. "Looks like we got a little problem, honey pot."

"Oh? Now how could that be, Great White Snake Hunter? Weren't you supposed to get the biggest snake and win the grand prize?"

"Well, hells-fire, I got the biggest rattler around, for sure. Or maybe its got me. I'm not sure who has who trapped. One thing for sure, I ain't about to get behind the wheel and drive back in, knowing that big sucker could drop down at any second. And the worst part is that I only got two hours to get back in before the time limit."

"So how are you going to get the snake out, genius?"

"I did the best I could. I left the doors open and put one of your stuffed rabbit toys out on the ground. Maybe the snake will think its real and go after it. Meanwhile, we'll have to wait and hope it leaves The Whale before we run out of time."

***

The crickets chirped and the 3/4 moon shined brightly, as Carl and Emma sat on top of The Whale in their lawn chairs, snoring lightly. Then, very quietly, the huge snake slithered out of the Suburban and headed back toward its stomping grounds. As it passed the stuffed rabbit, it surely emitted what must have been the equivalent of a snake chuckle